I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize