he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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