I can't breathe out the right side of my face
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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