And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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