Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
