Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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