i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
