Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
