I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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