i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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