dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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