I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
