and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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