My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
