Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
