this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
