Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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