I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
