I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Even my vagina gasped.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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