member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
