I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
