I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
