Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
