I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
