So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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