It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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