My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
