dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
