Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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