Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
