she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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