Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
