I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
