Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
