i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
