Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I can text with my tongue
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
