I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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