You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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