ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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