Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Everclear isn't food dammit
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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