i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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