i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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