woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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