The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize