i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
