Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
