May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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