So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
