our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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