Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
