life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
