so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
