So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
