I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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