I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize