just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
