my soul wont recognize me after tonight
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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