I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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