There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
