Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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