just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
