Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
