omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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