One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
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